Stuck in a Rut

I remember back in the days of yesteryear, I had trouble grasping the word 'happy'. Because, well, I wasn't happy.

Sometimes I would go home and feel hopeless. As if there was nothing left. And all I could conjure up to do was listen to music and cry.

Melodramatic, perhaps. Many would look at me and tell me that I was overreacting and being 'emo', or whatever kids these days say now. But even though in retrospect, I came out 'kinda' okay, the inner demons I faced were not pretty. Friends were slipping away, and I could not find any window to let out my emotions. They were just boiling inside of me.

My escape was writing numerous poems, slowly letting the truth come out of me. Sure, no one really suspected I truly felt what I wrote about, but it helped nonetheless.

But now, things are so different, and I feel so numb.

Perhaps it's because of my overload of work and stress. Usually stress would stretch these emotions out by miles, but somehow things are just different now. Tackling hard classes and the piles of work every night is tough on my mind and body. It's as if all this work is blocking me from witnessing what I really feel.

I have not broken down since the beginning of school. I have not felt that slip that I did in middle school. I don't even like a guy. Not that it's easy for me to like a guy, but the lack of compassion I have toward people now is astounding. I have become a bitter smartass who seriously needs to keep her mouth shut. And yet, I have no control, and I don't care.

Is this new lifestyle of mine not letting me able to connect with my emotions? I feel like I don't have any emotions, and even if I do bad in school, I never feel anything wrong. I just take it as it is.

It may seem good that I don't feel sad again, but the last thing I want to do is lie to myself. If I feel sad, I want to truly feel it, so I could do something about it, not deny its existence.

I might have bored you with this ridiculous rant, but after all the footie talk, I just wanted to poke a hole and let you all have a peek inside my life right now, because you (I assume) all care. That's why you read this, right?